“I thought gay people were all successful overachievers.” – Glee (Season 4)

Hi my name is Kenji, 27, and I am an overachiever. I think I have always been.

As I sit down to write this article I look back at my achievements over the years. Bought property at age 24, have a career and working towards my dream … and yet I am alone.

For me I believe it stems from something else.  Like many gay men, I seem to have an inherent need to really achieve. I’m sure that a psychiatrist would trace it to a subconscious yearning to feel a level of self-worth or something. I believed the only thing I had going for me was what I did.  I thought if I pushed myself hard enough, if I produced — and, not only if I produced, but if I produced perfection–people would notice me and my accomplishments. Thus, I believe that my self-esteem is low.

Being judged based on my sexuality made me ambitious but it’s also a positive desire not to allow such prejudice to affect me, to break through certain obstacles, to push myself to be a living impediment to homophobic prejudice.

Is there something about the psychology of being gay that makes people overachievers?

I’ve been hiding behind the career and the achievements. It finally caught up to me. Eventually, I understood what I’m doing.

At the end of the day, I saw that by pushing myself [and pushing people away from me] to achieve even more and even better — because I can’t face the truth of who I am, because the need to run away from myself is endless — won’t help me deal with the pain inside, the pain of being something I hate, the pain of being something I believe everyone else hates, too.

John Pachankis, a Professor of Psychology at Yeshiva University did a case study that found gay men were more prone to be overachievers than their straight counterparts.

“Several well executed studies show that gay men’s self-esteem actually isn’t any lower than straight men’s self esteem,” Pachankis said. “Although that was puzzling, we suspected that it may be a clue that gay men are engaging in an adaptive strategy to protect their self-worth.”

So the reason for this article is to set myself free from striving for perfection because nothing and no one is perfect.

Article published in The Pink Tongue August 2014

Everyone has a sexual orientation and a gender identity.

When someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity does not conform to the majority, they are often seen as a valid target for discernment or abuse.

Sexual orientation covers sexual desires, feelings, practices and identification. Sexual orientation can be towards people of the same or different sexes.

Gender identity refers to the compound relationship between sex and gender referring to a person’s experience of self-expression in relation to social categories of masculinity or femininity (gender). A person’s subjectively felt gender identity may be at variance with their sex or physiological characteristics.

Each of us has a biological sex — whether we are female or male [or intersex].

Our gender is our social and legal status as men or women. And sexual orientation is the term used to label whether a person feels sexual desire for people of the other gender, same gender, or both genders.

I am homosexual and I don’t identify myself as female. Whereas, I know of people whom identify themselves as female, cross dress and is living that life (not to be mistaken for drag queens).

Coming to terms with your sexual orientation or/ and gender identity is hard [I know] but with support from your loved ones and educating them about what you’re going through will be beneficial in the long run.

So there’s a difference between Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity.

How do you identify yourself despite your sexual orientation?

Article published in The Pink Tongue October 2014

If you saw a black/coloured or black/white couple in public or at the club or any where what would you think?

I have asked a lot of homosexuals if they support gay interracial couples and most of them said “yes but, wouldn’t date a black guy because of the negative stereotypes that are held against them”.

For me it’s just racist in some way. I know we all have preferences but just because dating a guy based on skin colour makes me confused.

It’s seldom that you see a happy gay interracial couple without the judgment of “he is just there because of the money” etc. which in some cases are NOT true.

I know of only a few interracial couples and from what I see they are happy despite what the ‘world’ has to say.

In today’s society, being gay is frowned upon already, and yet there’s prejudice within the small gay community (I hate that phrase). So why don’t we support each other?

The gay world is no different from the straight world in certain regards.

By dating based solely on something as illogical as race, I think we shoot ourselves in the foot.

Researchers have found that interracial couples report lower levels of relationship support from their social networks (family, friends) than same-race couples. Similarly, same-sex couples report lower levels of relationship support than heterosexual couples.

Being South African, a lot will say something about “cultural” differences. Is that the only reason? Or are you just narrow-minded?

Nonetheless, homosexual interracial/ inter-cultural relationships will always be prejudiced unless we change the race games that has been played for years.

What’s the point of writing this article if I only include what I want to say? My response is: I won’t go into detail on some racial remarks because I’m not racist. And for narrow-minded comments made when I asked advice on this touchy issue.

I was told ‘reviewing something said doesn’t make you the people who said it’. So let me be frank, there isn’t exposure of what is actually said but rather a coat of what is being said. I understand maybe certain comments might hurt you that you wouldn’t want to relive again.

So if you are in an interracial/ inter-cultural relationship, good for you; but don’t let any negative remarks drain what you feel is right.

Do you ever feel unbalanced in your relationship?

What’s the logic behind double standards in relationships?

Here is some common double standards you may be subject to, which conveniently don’t apply to your boy or girlfriend:

1. I can go out with my friends anytime I want, but you should check with me before you go out.
2. If I want to flirt with girls or guys it’s okay; you aren’t allowed to flirt.
3. It’s not a big deal if I blow up your phone when I can’t get a hold of you; just make sure you never do that to me.

“Why would anyone be with someone who thinks like that?”

That is the question everyone asks, but don’t really know the answer to.

There’s a lot of reasons to why double standards happen in relationships. Firstly, it could be that your partner don’t feel that you are equals. And another reason could be that your partner wants to control you. But the most common reason for double standards are insecurities.

To cure the common double standard is a relationship that is based on mutual respect and trust.

So treat your partner as you would like to be treated.

A lot of people, even myself, find it hard to move on, but it’s the healing process that will direct us on the new road that was avoided.
 
Because love is like tar, it binds us. When it breaks, you have to meticulously scrub off all the old tar to bind new tar in the same spot.
 
After a break up, you alone can give yourself the closure you are looking for. No amount of exchange of letters or making contact will help. It is a ploy to have this person in your life.
 
I was told to apply the no contact rule if I truly want to move on and by doing so, you will with time be at ease and you will look back at everything as a chapter in your life i.e. the past.

Some stories are meant to be short stories, nothing more.
 
“How do I move on?” I ask myself this question every day. To be frank, I really don’t know the solution anymore. I guess it’s because I felt so strongly for the person. I woke up every morning knowing that seeing them would make the rest of my day perfect. Grasping that they were the only person I could ever dream of being with, and even though I may never be what they want or need, I still kept hoping that one day they would feel the same.
 
I think it’s hard because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I loved and they didn’t love me in return.
 
Maybe now I can move on as well?
 
However for true healing to take place, you have to tell yourself that it is over and mean it. But then again I refuse to be a slave, to let my emotions govern my space, but it really took some time for me to come to that consciousness.

Now I am comfortable in my own skin, still feel lonely at times, but not uncertain.

The healing process for every break up is letting go.

I read the bible on passover and I came across contradictions.

Did the Last Supper take place on the first day of Passover as indicated in the Book of Mark 14:12, Matthew 26:17, Luke 22:7)?

Was it most people’s Passover, or was it the Passover of the Essenes, which was two days earlier than the ‘regular’ Passover?

I enjoy find contradictions in everything…

So I apologize if I offended.

I know I previously wrote a blog ‘EX-ology’, but I have spoken to so many people regarding the touchy subject that I will blog again (hopefully for the last time).

Here is a rhetorical and hypothetical story. Tracey was sick of the fact that Trevor’s ex-girlfriends were still present in his life, so she dumped him.

She claims the break-up was hard on both of them but they are still good friends. The absurd part of this story is she dumps him, we got that, because of the exes, and yet she wants to be friends whilst being his ex.

So the next girlfriend that Trevor will date MIGHT feel the same way she did. Now how does that solve a problem? In my previous blog, I said that there is a proverb ‘We are better friends than lovers’, which is total bull. Get to know me then we hit the sack.

Moreover, Trevor phones Tracey to whine about how unhappy he is (which is a form of emotional cheating i.e Emotionally Wrong blog).

The obscurity is, what keeps you trapped in this cycle of rekindling a relationship? To bring up another topic, I have been in a rather somewhat dreary relationship.

I was afraid of leaving the relationship, because I thought that I might not find anything else. That is where the convenience of the relationship comes in.
I felt worthless.

Manipulation is real in any relationship. What was the point of my blog?

And, even though there were good times, delete the ex files.

Weigh up the relationship by asking “Are my present realities good or bad?”